he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
