My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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