as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
