i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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