Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
where are my eyebrows?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
