It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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