enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
How's work?
Spinning.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
