hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
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