Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
