So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
