he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You need a sexual gate keeper
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
