at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
