I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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