It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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