Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
