PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
