I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
