Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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