Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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