"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
