2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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