Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
