a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
