She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Randomize
