The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
