Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
