she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i think i just lost a toe
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
