I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
