im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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