I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
