Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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