dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize