I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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