So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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