Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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