I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
