I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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