how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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