i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
