I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize