Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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