I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
