all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
