I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
