i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
