That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
