I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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