I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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