My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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