I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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