Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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