Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
