I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
