You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
