my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pants are for mortals
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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