I just pynch a tree in the face
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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