The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize