So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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