Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
